I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
