You don't have asthma, your pregnant
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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