we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
