I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
