You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
