she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
