She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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