my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
