Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
