If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
