If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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