I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
