I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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