He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
