Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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