It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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