I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
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Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
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He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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