if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
