i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
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