i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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