My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
