the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
