You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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