you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
