Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
