I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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