Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
