so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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