My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
