Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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