the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
