better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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