You kept calling me your small dog last night.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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