Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
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I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
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Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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