I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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