Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
