Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
