So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
