why didn't you poke me back
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
this hospital has no fireball
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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