So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
