The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
