Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
