Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
