I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
