Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
she looked like the before picture.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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