I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Randomize
