It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
