Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
