I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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