i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
