I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
