you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
