im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
why do cheetos always look like penises
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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