its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
