You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
